business cards

between the three and a half years i have been out of school, and the four 'real' jobs i have held during that time, i have had a whooping total of 250 CW business cards printed. my boss at the time insisted that i have a set, although i don't know why. i distributed a total of three cards in one year, leaving the other 247 to be used as place cards in leather goods.

unfortunately, more business cards may be in my near future. two months ago, i began working in construction management. here, everyone and their sub-everything has a business card. in the short two months since i started, i could have collected more cards than a weekly free lunch drawing at subway's.

i was at a meeting earlier this week, and someone asked me for my card. me? my card? why would anyone want or, worse yet, need to contact me?

the fact of that matter is that i am in the middle of handling some logistical problems at work. more precisely, i am trying to extract myself from the problematic situation at work. in other words, i'm trying to find other work. this is why i refuse to have business cards, as having and distributing them might mean that i plan to be here and available for everyone and their sub-everything's wants and needs.

the thing about happiness ...

"i want to be happy." that's what i told people when they asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. i would still tell people that, only they don't ask anymore.

i do not mean to sound as if i am unhappy. i have an easy job with decent pay, a stable family life and supportive friends. my boyfriend is just plain fantastic. and despite my sugarholic tendencies, i am in good health. without question, life has been kind to me.

yet, sometimes, i find myself easily frustrated or helpless. the smallest occurrence can disrupt my happiness equilibrium. worse even, there are times when i am just off. i would like to blame it on hormonal imbalance or perhaps even bad weather. but whatever the cause, i am off--no good reason, no one reason, just OFF!

some days, i am perfection, unusually euphoric. most days, i am fine, my yogi serenity intact. then, there are those other days when i am not fine. i am very un-fine, the opposite of fineness. it is on these days i am reminded, undeniably so, that only i can make myself happy. the thing about happiness i realized years ago, is that it's just a state of mind. and last i checked, my mind is all me.

i guess ...

for the past year or so, i have been thinking of what my next blog entry might say. many a times, mostly on mornings when i find myself alone, i have unconsciously started would-be postings while talking to myself.

last week, on three separate occasions, these musings of mine started with "i guess." on the third occasion, i began to be most frustrated. why only "guess?" am i so uncertain that i don't "know" anything?

i cannot count how many times i have began sentences and sometimes even full blown paragraphs with every intention of getting back on the blogging horse. finally, after a period of random yet consistent encouragement, i am back.

sometimes, i feel like i have forgotten how to write. i can't recall the last time i said something poignant. but, i guess that does not matter now because i know i want to write.